Unexpected Page 4

  “I need to see Dr Hill.” I shouted at the door, I pressed the buzzer holding my finger down on it heavily, sweat was running down my back, my heart felt as though it was about to explode.

  “Rebecca?” The door swung inwards and I stumbled inside.

  “I think I’m dying!” I gasped, the black and white tiles swam under my feet.

  “Help me take her into the office please.” I felt hands under my arms and stumbled along as best I could. “There on the recliner.” Lana’s voice commanded and I was lifted into the seat which was hastily pushed back so that I was almost flat.

  “Thank you.” The door closed and instantly Lana was at my side, her fingers unbuttoning my jacket loosening the neck of my t shirt as best she could pulling it away from my skin, I rolled onto my side but was pushed firmly back.

  “You need to breathe slowly.” She commanded. I tried but my lungs were shrinking no air could get through. “Rebecca, look at me.” Two gentle hands cupped my face and big green eyes locked onto my own. “Stay with me OK?” She spoke softly and the room seemed to come into focus slightly. “Breathe slowly through your nose and out through your mouth, like this.” She took my hand and placed it against her collar bone, making exaggerated in and out breaths. Slowly my heart seemed to stop racing, the numbness in my hands began to fade and I burst into tears, to my surprise Lana quietly crossed the room, clicked a small barrel lock across the door came back sitting me up by wrapping her arms around me and holding me tight. I let my hands close around her back and shrank into the embrace, trying but failing miserably to stop the flood of tears. Through my sobs I explained what had happened.

  “I knew he didn’t want me anymore, he barely touched me before that happened but afterwards, it was like I disgusted him. She’s nineteen! Can you believe that?” I stated for the tenth time. Lana prised me from her shoulder where a wet patch marked the cream silk of her shirt, she handed me a box of tissues and sat back a little. “And as if that wasn’t bad enough, she’s pregnant.” I clapped my hands together. If Lana was surprised she did a good job at hiding it, she merely sat, silently watching me.

  “Say something.” I muttered.

  “I’m not surprised you’re having anxiety attacks. This kind of stress added to what you are already dealing with is an enormous amount of pressure.” She crossed her legs carefully holding her ankle.

  “Say something real.” A sob escaped my throat and she seemed to inhale sharply.

  “He’s a fucking idiot to have ever done anything that would lose you. You’re amazing and beautiful and funny when you don’t even mean to be and he’s an asshole for not realising that and treating you like a queen.” Her eyes blazed. I couldn’t do anything but stare at her, she shook her head slightly and brushed a strand of dark hair out of her face.

  “But I’m not supposed to say anything like that.” She added with a conspiratorial look and quick smile.

  “Do you mean it?” I asked quietly. “Those things you just said, do you mean them?” She looked up at me and nodded lightly.

  “I do. He’s an idiot.” She seemed to blush slightly, patting down the front of her shirt and fiddling with a button. “I’m sorry Rebecca but I really have got to get back to work if you’re feeling better. You are more than welcome to stay as long as you need to in the lounge there’s coffee and tea and sofas.” Lana smiled and rose to her feet stepping away from me.

  “Of course, I’m sorry. I feel ok now.” I stood shakily and headed for the door grabbing at my coat and bag.

  “Is there anyone you want to call? Can someone pick you up?” She asked clicking open the lock on the door.

  “No honestly.” I waved a hand. “I’m ok. The air will do me some good.”

  “Ok well I will see you at your next appointment?” Lana asked.

  “Yeah I’ll see you then.” I bustled out the door barely registering that I was lurching through a snow storm as I headed up the street. Embarrassment finally caught up with me as I turned the corner spreading warmth through my face, out of all the people I could have gone to in such a mess why did I have to choose her?

  CHAPTER SIX

  I watched from the upper window as Tilly loaded the last of the boxes into the boot of her people carrier, Maisy caught my eye and waved frantically from the back seat, a pink teddy bear dangled from her hand bumping against the glass. I waved back swallowing down tears. Chris, who was sat in the passenger seat staring at the front door picked up on the movement behind him and turned to speak to his niece. I moved out of sight feeling exposed in the now empty bedroom with its window bare of curtains.

  “Becky?” I heard Tilly call up the stairs.

  “Yeah?” I answered moving within sight.

  “Is that all of it?” She asked, her chin wobbled with emotion and she pushed back her red hair behind her ear.

  “That’s everything I think.” I told her as I sat heavily on the top step of the stairs, she leant on the bannister.

  “I can’t believe that’s it.” She whispered.

  “If I find anything else I’ll let you know.” I shrugged.

  “No I don’t mean this, these are just things I mean I can’t believe you and Chris are over.” I sighed as she fixed me in her watery gaze. “Is there no way you can work it out?” She whined.

  “Tilly, look around the house is empty, the divorce is going through. There really is no way back.” I rubbed my eyes, tired of it all and wanting her to leave.

  “You could put it all back.” She gave a hopeful laugh. “Are you still seeing a counsellor Becky you look so pale and tired?” The concern on her face was real.

  “I am, but I haven’t been for a few weeks, with selling the house so fast and everything else, it’s all just been a little bit crazy.” I muttered.

  “Chris loves you so much Becks.” Tilly said quickly.

  “Thanks for picking up all of his stuff, I hope he gets sorted soon.” It was the most I could say. She nodded and badly stifled a sob as she pulled the front door closed behind her.

  The tube was mayhem, the shops even worse. I wandered aimlessly around, avoiding bumping into people as they rushed past, bags crammed into their hands. Different versions of the same Christmas songs drifted out of doors and window displays glittered invitingly. Strolling into a shop I avoided the men’s sections of gifts, seeing aftershaves and boxer shorts only reminded me that I didn’t need to buy them anymore and instead headed for the confectionary, lollipops shaped as Santa and marshmallow snowmen smiled from the shelves. I grabbed a few and threw them into my half empty basket along with a bottle of white wine and huge bag of pretzels.

  “Do you have the new version?” I heard her accent before I saw her. Lana was leaning slightly over the perfume counter gazing up at a row of pink bottles, the assistant shook his head and muttered something about trying a different store she thanked him and turned away.

  “Hi.” I blurted as she moved past the aisle where I stood.

  “Hey.” Lana looked slightly taken aback but recovered well. “How are you?” She asked glancing to the side.

  “I’m good.” I lied trying to smooth back my hair.

  “Good, that’s good.” She shifted her feet slightly.

  “I’m sorry about turning up at your office like that, I was just having a moment of madness, everything was going crazy in my brain and I just ended up there.” I laughed nervously.

  “Oh its ok don’t even worry about it. Are you feeling better?” Lana looked at the basket full of junk food and alcohol. “Eating ok?” She grinned.

  “Yeah snowmen and wine and divorce, it’s a new diet craze.” I tried to joke but it just ended in a sob.

  “How about you leave that and we go and get a coffee somewhere?” Lana placed a gloved hand on my shoulder, I looked up and saw worry in her face I nodded dropping the basket and let her guide me out into the street.

  “Where shall we go?” Lana looked up and down.

  “Starbucks?” I offered.

&nbs
p; “No, it’s too public.” Lana shook her head her dark hair swung around her shoulders.

  “Too public for what?” I reached into my pocket and retrieved my cigarettes.

  “You’re still a patient Rebecca, it might not be the best idea for me to be seen socially with you.” Lana pointed across the street to a small tucked away café that had roller blinds halfway up its one square window. “How about there?”

  “Anywhere warm is good for me.” I nodded and stepped out to cross the street.

  Two lattes later and I was still talking, my fingers picking away at a slice of chocolate cake.

  “Then she actually asked if there was any way it could be fixed! As she is loading boxes out of my empty house, she asks if I could reconsider!” I flicked a drop of chocolate icing off the edge of my plate. “Can you believe that?”

  “People find it hard to believe when things are changing for good.” Lana cupped her mug in her hands. “It makes them say and do things that they know are irrational but in the moment they can’t help it.”

  “Well I guess I should have expected a diplomatic answer from you.” I smiled and picked up my own mug.

  “Not always, you’d be surprised the things I have let slip out of my mouth.” She looked at me quickly. “I called a man who was coming to me for counselling after his wife left him a fucking idiot once.” I choked on my coffee as Lana laughed. “I know!” She held her hands up. “But in my defence he had been bawling his eyes out for an hour then told me he only cheated three times because she was pregnant and wouldn’t sleep with him.” My grin slipped from my face.

  “Oh Rebecca I’m sorry, that was really insensitive of me.” Lana reached across and took my hand.

  “No don’t be silly, I’m just being oversensitive with everything at the moment.” I let my hand lie in hers.

  “Have you heard any more about the whole situation?” She asked quietly.

  “Nope. But I did search for her on Facebook.” I admitted.

  “And?” Lana moved her hand back across the table.

  “She’s beautiful.” I reached for my phone and scrolled across the screen tapping until I got to what I was looking for, I handed it over.

  “Wow.” She muttered.

  “Thanks.” I laughed a little.

  “No, I mean sure, she is pretty but she looks so young.” Lana tilted her head a little. “She looks like a kid.”

  “She is a fucking kid.” I accepted the phone back and clicked the case shut. “I mean what did he do, take her for a happy meal? It’s not as if she can drink!”

  “You really love him huh?” She looked at me carefully.

  “I did and I think I always will care for him, but I don’t think I’ve been in love with him for a long time. It just became comfortable, it was so normal, everyday mixed into the next and it just stayed that way. Even before what happened, things weren’t great.” I ended limply.

  “I get that.” Lana nodded she emptied her cup and replaced it carefully on the table. “Well I think I should probably go.” She pushed her seat back a little.

  “I really appreciate this you know. It had been a shockingly bad day.” I fastened the buttons of my coat.

  “It was nice.” Lana smiled as she flicked her hair from under the collar of her woollen jacket, her lips parting creasing at the corners right up to her eyes. “Just keep it a secret.” She winked and headed for the door.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  The entire walk to Lana’s office from the tube station was spent going around my brain, trying to think of ways to start the conversation I wanted to have. Two days had gone by since my coffee with her and I hadn’t been able to shake that smile from my brain, the only thing to do was to find a way out of these sessions, that way we could be friends without it affecting her career. Friends, I reminded myself, were few and far between at the moment, anyone from work that had been classed as a friend had silently slipped away from me since the attack. The ones that remained uncomfortably trying to socialise with me had given up after they heard of the divorce. I think the thought of my life spiralling downwards into a lonely depression was something none of them wanted to be around. But in all my years of friendship with women, I’d never got that butterfly feeling the same way I did when I looked at Lana. I shook my head trying to dislodge the nervous edge that was creeping into my mind and took a deep breath as I rounded the corner to the street I needed to be on.

  “Well imagine seeing you here?” His voice was softer but there was no mistaking it, my feet faltered and I ground to a halt. Ben Hewitt leant on the passenger side door of a shining silver jeep, the rest of the car I noticed was empty. He dragged on a cigarette, watching me with an amused expression as he blew the smoke out into the air. I looked to the black door a few feet away wishing it would open. “No words?” He grinned. “You had plenty to say to the police Rebecca.” He flicked the butt away and stepped across the kerb.

  “Stay away from me.” I stumbled a few feet to my right trying to circle around towards the stone steps.

  “Why are you acting like this?” He laughed and held his hands out. “I just wanted to talk to you, there’s no law against that is there? Oh, that’s right, I’m not guilty free to go where I want.” He smiled widely.

  “You need to stay away from me, you are mad if you really believe that you deserved that verdict, you know what happened.” I tried to steady my words but they wavered none the less.

  “I’m mad? But yet you’re the one at the psychiatrist? How ironic.” He curved his bottom lip into a mocking pout.

  “Mrs Taylor?” Lana’s voice called out strongly behind me, I heard her heels drumming down the steps and in a moment she was beside me.

  “Hello beautiful.” Ben regained his composure and gave what he thought was his best winning smile as he looked at Lana’s long legs flowing from under the black pencil skirt.

  “Do I know you?” Lana placed her hands on her hips and locked him in a stare, those green eyes usually so soft and understanding had hardened to flint.

  “Not yet.” Ben flicked open the cigarette packet in his hand and lit another.

  “No I didn’t think I did, so maybe you should bear that in mind when taking into consideration the manner in which you speak to me.” Her words were a growl.

  “This is him.” I managed to stutter quietly. Lana’s head barely moved but her chest seemed to fall and rise rapidly. She stepped forwards, her face a foot from Ben’s I watched as his smug smile faltered and he shuffled backwards towards the car turning his eyes to the floor.

  “You disgust me.” She hissed. “If I see you anywhere near my client again, I will personally make sure there is an injunction placed against you for harassment. Do you understand?” He tried to laugh but failed miserably. Lana stared at him. “Go on. Get into your shiny car that daddy bought and get out of here little boy.” He glared from her to me, colour flushing his cheeks.

  “I was going anyway, I have much better things to do with my time than be around a lying slut.” He slunk around the bonnet and wrenched open the door, the passenger window slid soundlessly open. “You’re not that pretty anyway.” He barked at Lana before revving the car out of the street.

  “Are you ok?” Lana was at my side her hands on either side of my shoulders, I hadn’t even realised but I was shaking like a leaf in the breeze. “That son of a bitch.” She glared down the now empty road. “Rebecca? Are you ok?” I snapped back into reality as she shook me gently.

  “Yeah, I’m fine.” I nodded.

  “Come on get inside.” Lana placed one hand on the small of my back and guided me into the building. “Christine cancel my meeting this afternoon please.” She said as we snaked through the reception into the warmth of her office. I placed myself in the tub chair in front of the fire, zoning out as I watched the flames jumping back and forth, the faint sound of a spoon stirring against a cup in the background.

  “Here.” Lana sat opposite me and handed me a black cup.

 
“Thanks.” I murmured taking a sip. “Woah what’s in that?” I asked through a cough.

  “Whiskey.” Lana smiled and took a drink out of her own cup.

  “I’m not complaining.” I told her as I took another gulp.

  “So that’s him huh?” She asked leaning back in her seat.

  “Yep.” I nodded.

  “The court put no protection in place for you?” Lana asked astounded.

  “No. He wasn’t found guilty so he had no punishment or boundaries put on him. Probably no different from the rest of his entire life.” I downed more coffee. “From what I can gather he’s been spoiled since he was born.” Lana was frowning at me her lips pursed as though she was waiting to speak. “I googled him after it happened.” I admitted.

  “It’s not an unusual thing to do. Most people want to know more about someone who hurt them. It’s natural.” Lana explained, she tugged the band from her wrist and twisted her hair into a messy bun. “I am supposed to stay completely impartial of course but I wish I’d of hit him with my car.” I laughed a little too loudly at that, almost curling in on myself as the gurgle in my throat turned to tears. Lana moved to kneel in front of me her hands resting on my knees. “What is wrong with me?” I whined.

  “You are ok, you are strong and funny. You are more than ok, you can move on from this Rebecca, he will never be able to because it’s who he is. It doesn’t define you, it defines him.” Her words were quiet but firm, I gazed into the pool of green swimming around her pupils, dancing with light from the fire. She seemed to notice my eyes flicking to her mouth and stood up returning to her seat.